Cloud Cuckoo Land: Atonement.

Did you ever do something that you felt was so terribly misguided and even wrong? Something that had an affect over another person or persons who may well have become driven to revenge or another act of rebalancing in the universe?

Sure we all have done things we regret and wish we could undo. Would the regret ever heal the wound? Would saying sorry ever be enough?

Like many others I have played out the scenarios in my head time after time, to see what might have made the difference, but I always come back to the reality that this will forever be a lesson of life that needs to be considered as a help in the present moment, if I would ever want the future to be based upon a brighter truth. Nothing that I could ever do now would change the reality of what has passed, and I can only hope that the damage may lessen for the offended party.

The worst thing besides the original act of injustice, is the regret. If only... what if? Many times I chose to reconsider the options open to me at the time and realise that many more things could have been done, that would possibly have effected a different outcome. I was foolish, immature and short sighted if not blinded by fear or hatred, that helped me to make bad decisions and let down not only myself, but my desire for personal integrity.

Sadly I have to conclude that no amount of remorse or regret will ever be able to change the things said and done, and that my only saving grace is that maybe the 'other,' would find a place in their hearts and memories to forgive. They may well not be able to ever forget entirely, but a level of forgiveness could lead to some peace for all parties involved. We all scrutinize our behaviours eventually and the way in which we viewed our need to respond or retaliate at the time for what we conceived was being done to us. But would we ever be able to say, no-one harmed me, everything that happened was as a direct result of my own choices? Possibly not, this is a very courageous thing to say, let alone believe. But it is my new found view about the past, that this in fact was true at that time, and was another of those things that led to my actions and subsequent events.

Ever heard the expression, 'you are your own worst enemy?'

Yeah, well now I know that for a long time, a large part of my past, I was the believer of non of this. I felt 'right' about everything and therefore resisted the advice, council, and help of many people, especially those I was close to and others I wanted to be close to.

They may well have realised how stubborn and hard headed I was, and well done to them for sticking to their guns so to speak and holding true to their resolves, and or applying empathy towards me in respect of my blindness.

But in respect of the regrets, I now realise that they have no further value towards peace of mind, and must be put aside, or the load I will carry will be a continual burden my whole life. It is not that easy to forgive yourself it would seem. Theoretically it should be as easy as saying it. 'I forgive myself.' But the reality is not so fast acting. Forgiving oneself, must come from a point of knowledge that the 'act,' the 'offence,' cannot be changed. Blaming oneself and taking responsibility have to be acknowledged, thought they are not necessarily both the same thing. I was responsible for my actions, but other factors can take some of the blame for them. As I said before, naivety, inability to reason, stress, fear and desperation can all be factors in why a person may have acted out of line with their normal character. This is not meant to be an excuse, merely a way to understand and therefore forgive myself for some horrible things. Things that still to this day remind me of my need to be brave in the face of danger, courageous in the face of fear, innocent in the face of dishonesty, and loyal in the face of love.

I am not about to get into details about the what's and how's, but sufficed as to say I now remember them all in great detail and wish to free myself of the regrets and allow remorse to do its part in the healing process. It will then be possible to move forward to the point at which I completely forgive myself for acting inappropriately, badly and without total decency and integrity.

I am truly sorry..!

If anybody reading this would be so kind as to forgive me any indiscretions towards them, that I may or may not be aware of, this would be of great service to me in clearing any blockages still present. I intend to be a man of peace, a man of integrity and a valiant warrior of light. I realise humbly that to be this I must clear away all hindrances and obstacles that would stop me from achieving this aim. And beg your help and support in doing finer works and being a better person.

I pray that everything that I have ever done that has caused bad blood, resentment and confusing interpretations of my actions be absolved here, and my atonement, be this open plea for forgiveness.